"If you were in my place, what would you do?" my friend asked with agony. I consoled her, though, somewhere I felt how I wish I was in her place, which was far more better than my situation! Relationships differ and the reason isn't how a person should behave when in a particular situation. It is very funny, isn't it? At times you are sharing your worries with someone so near to you and expect a response to be that of consolation, acceptance of behaviour and to move a step ahead, confirmation of the act done is right! And the person responds in a superficial "best" friend style, just not to hurt you at the moment as he/she doesn't agree with you.
Somewhere in south Mumbai, in a social work college there's a Professor teaching "introjection", "projection", "retroflection" and so on in Transactional Analysis, chalked out by Eric Berne as if it's a "plan of communication". Relationships flow from the heart, if they had some technically-tested and verified causes and effects, then we would ask for some "emotion" surgeries as well to fix up the adamant, the haughty, the depressed, the inarticulate, the lethargic and so on...
Well, coming to the point, being an emotional fool is a part and parcel of my personality. I am proud of it. I cry when I feel sad, I laugh when I sense something funny, I get raged when something doesn't suit MY principles...you would say what's abnormal in this....everyone does the same, what's the big "gyan" you are providing...so folks to put my point through I would emphasize you go back and read the paragraph carefully, to notice this is what "I" do when "I feel" and not when its appropriate for me to do so.... If to laugh at a funeral is cynical, then answer me: the person who is dead might be doing the same, as he knows how many people, attending it, are fake with their eyeballs dipped in glycerin crying with sadistic pleasure! If crying while a child plays is weird, then tell me what should it be like to gauge the emotions overpowering on the child's mind who doesn't have a limb, is half-naked, drenched in mud and bathing in rain, playing ruthlessly against the big-daddies of some convent!
I am not justifying anything. But yes, I am stupid to mock at funeral of Dr.X, who worked in Gadchiroli, for the tribals just to cure them of malnutrition, malaria and scorpion bites, where thousands have gathered to sing ballads of the "greatness" (as they perceive!) of the divine soul...I am quite sure Dr.X would have loved if even one percent of these would have joined us on the health drive in Mokhada where a presentation about status of health in Gadchiroli was being held! But in vain, it's far more easy to come to Thane and squeeze out their "feelings"at the funeral of a great man they "know", than to go all the way to "Mokhada" sit there under some hot tin roof, listening to some group doing something in some state...er..district..er..city..anyways some place,yaar!(that's enough), on top of that it is very much a concern if they don't know whether the food and water, if they get any and on time, is hygienic enough or not!

What do I do, I introject: I am OKAY, YOU are OKAY! I take in as the the world gives, reiterating the events between birth and death of Dr.X, who had no connection with the world of mannerisms and etiquettes...but didn't mind them either..he was happy if people accepted him and equally happy if they ignored!

Or I project: I am OKAY, You are NOT OKAY! The classic example for this to me is: My relationship with Dr.X. I always disowned my indifferent attitude and blamed him for being indifferent! He, however, didn't mind it. He explained many things to me in a calm and composed manner...putting forth the importance of reflection and action. He was a true Friere fan....he liked linking his work with people and then quiz them with the impossible...they loved it and respected him....

Or I retroflect: trying to put in as many possibilities of conscience and composure which Dr.X had in order to utilise it when I would work with people in Gadchiroli or Mokhada or Roha (all three in Maharashtra)or Jhabua (MP) or Bastar (Chattisgarh) or North Cachar Hills (Assam) or Phulbani (Orissa) or Dausa (Rajasthan)....or any other village of my country....

On the day Dr.X died...though none on the Gonds of Gadchiroli were there at his death bed, they declared that day as their "swa-shasan" din, meaning "self-discipline" day, in the context of health!

Here, I don't know whether to rejoice for the Gonds or cry out loud for Dr.X who couldn't witness this turning point!

Nothing succeeds like success! Wow! what a wonderful saying! positive enough to start with a "nothing"! I am too mean isn't it! I love to be so....I am impaired, broken, stuck up with this kind of behaviour....trying really really hard to get rid of it! but, habits die hard folks!
I had few grandeur moments wherein i couldn't stop myself from beaming and being blissfully happy! (no its not that the "fullstop" isn't working, but i am fixated with the "exclamation"!)
Right now, at this very moment i feel as if damn with the world, why should i ever care for anyone anytime.....i feel reckless and let loose....out of my mind and totally going insane (most of who know me would state i wasn't sane ever...!) But this moment comes and comes rarely in history when a girl shrewd enough for my stature accepts that she has gone crazy and will never ever claim sanity! Believe me ...i am craziest of all, i bow down ...i accept!
Have a happy new year (this itself seems a happy note for all those who longed for this self-admitting stuff!)

Its been a long time that I touched this keyboard to type a few unwanted things occupying space in my mind! Dragging me through the gruesome schedules of the day, I wondered within my own self, knowing very little where I was heading for! Its amazing to wander about in a place in search of novelty. However, I dread to accept it that I was treading towards nowhere. I would have loved the process only if I knew what it was!

The agenda henceforth was to find out what I have, what I want and where am I? I found solace among the friend circle I chose and closely guarded for myself. Yet, I wasn't at peace with myself. Somewhere deep in my heart, in my soul I was wounded, disheartened and in my own eyes defeated to the expectations of my upgrading ambition!

I didn't give up, though! I sustained. I lived for the moment. I let things happen. I become a mute spectator which wasn't favouring any growth in my persona or my cognitive abilities!

Long lost friends joined in to encourage. Some new acquaintances flashed new sprouting relationships that might bear a sweet fruit of confidence, faith and trust. However, this time I was a little apprehensive to put the first step. It was a challenge, not so big, but yet it was one! I loved challenges. I was a sportsperson, so am I now! But, the relationships that counter me each day with their dynamism, seem no more sporty or healthy. They appear more as tactics and alliance policies! It is always the question as to whether a person is useful to me in the long-run or not that tears my heart into pieces! I no longer continue to be a normal person, but start acting out against myself as someone shrewd and diplomatic.

No wonder I succeed. But this is not the area where I want to succeed, is it? This question hogs my mind, my conscience each day! I sleep due to exhaustion and not satisfaction!

I long for the day of SATISFACTION!!!

Regaining "yourself"!

Future is full of possibilities! For you. For the ever-growing expectations of your parents. For your well-wishers. So you tend to grab, almost pounce upon every “opportunity” that seems to make you fly high! And has the potential “success” hidden within just for you! You become super-cautious, hyperactive and gobble up every bit of influential, resourceful thing that would help you add on that “feather” in your cap!
You take every exam, screening test, interview, audition, presentation, project, assignment, etc. with utmost seriousness, sincerity and give your best shot!
But your hands shiver, your throat dries out, all of a sudden you feel a big hollow in your stomach, i.e. to say, you PANIC! That ends all! You already know your performance and the examiner need not even check your paper to hand you the results!
What a waste! Why should anyone panic when you are all set to perform your best? Why a lump in the throat when everything you know by rote? Amazing, it’s the best example of a pun in practice!
You start blaming it on “expectations” of your parents, friends, “stress”, “fear of going wrong”, “cut-throat competition”, “unfair rules”, etc. But, in fact, deep in your heart you know the reason why you failed!
Just ask yourself with pure conscience and utmost honest introspection – did you give your “best” shot? Were you really “prepared”? Did you fear the exam or the competitors? What for did you give this attempt? Are you playing a game of “not losing” instead of “winning”? Are you scared of being a “loser”? Did you choose to “fail”?
If all the answers end up with a ‘yes’, then its high time that you redefine your way of thinking! And most important, attitude towards life as well!
It’s not a fight with the world, nor is it a fight with you! In reality, it’s a process to evolve the way you are and not the way you “ought” to be as per the worldly parameters! It may sound strange to deny aggression as a part of life. But, it can always have a better format, like, checks and balances within your own personality! (Due apologies to Freud and Darwin!). You may have an Achilles' heel! But that’s fine altogether! Trying to be perfect or striving for a “perfect” image is only like running after a mirage!
The solution lies in accepting yourself as you are! That will fetch you peace with yourself, within yourself!
Sometimes you tend to emphasize too much on ‘HOW you want it?’ instead of ‘WHAT exactly do you want?’ That creates a big confusion and ultimately transforms into fear, panic and losing “yourself” to the vagaries of your own depleting confidence!
You start re-evaluating, building up measures to boost up your confidence, revive your enthusiasm, and set off afresh to face new challenges and stand up with immense resilience!
Or else, like me, you purge out all the unwanted, discouraging stuff, right onto your blog and find a solution on your own at the end of your “self-assessment” write-up!!!

For the solace of your soul!

Fight for your zeal
Not compromising in any deal
For you have with you, within you
All the will power you need

Make most of your failures
Your stepping stones to succeed
Make most of your adversaries
Your inevitable yet encouraging instructors

Look for hope
Live for a goal
That’s the interwoven rope
For the solace of your soul!!!

Sailing in a small ferry

Sailing in a small ferry
I asked the moon
Restless by a single query
Why don’t you rise at noon!

The day’s scorching rays
Nights darkening in all ways
Counting breaths on the countless sands
Life is draining in my hands

Emotions tearing apart my heart
Thoughts breaking my brain in parts
I am waiting since endless time
For the verdict of an only crime

I loved him with all my soul
Not in part but in whole
He was for me life personified
Then why am I being crucified!

Oh dearest moon! The soothing one!
Advised your twinkling stars
In love, there’s no gain
For sure, its no fun only pain!

Yet as I sail through
With all trust in you
Though like a caged bird
I believe in your word!

“Love doesn’t end in one blow
Even if it leaves the heart hollow
It’s an entity by itself
In a way, selfless without a self!”

Perspective

As one treads through the routine of humdrum lifestyle, seldom does he/she step out of his/her pre-designed mode of life! Yet, there exists a tinge of colour to every single day!

The perspective differs! Here lies that tinge of colour! Look through the eyes of a photographer, the world is full of light-shade, colour-contrast, in and out of focus!

A journalist will help you out with the message that’s hidden behind those snaps!

A columnist will make it more expressive by adding a few precise words!

A shift in the paradigm!

A scene from the local trains, a very much familiar phenomenon of Mumbaikars! Traveling during the peak hours, will make you wiser by the end of your journey! “Hey watch out!” “How dare you push me?” Can’t you shift in a little; at least four people can sit on a bench!” “If you don’t want to get down, why the hell are you standing at the door?”

It’s such a simple thing to board a train and alight at our desired station! But then, if we try to draw some similarities from the above instances, we would realize it is quite analogous to our life process! Life has many things in hold for us! It’s like a treasure hunt! If you have the eye for events like that of a photographer, you would observe the minuscule details of your own life! A habitual sunrise/ sunset can drift you away from the 6:40 or 5:56 local train! Different faces, characteristics of varied people, a metropolitan, a cosmopolitan clan, provides you a good sample for observing the concealed traits of human beings! Faces are those snaps, read out the messages they veil! Happy, sad, tense, tired, angry, frustrated, happy-go-lucky, nervous, determined, stubborn, laid-back, accommodating ……! The list goes on! Flash a smile and wait-n-watch! Some people respond some don’t! Why?! Life’s been too hard for some, yet they manage! For some, it gets harder even while they get along! A columnist in you will effortlessly start taking notes!

Making it more stimulating, you would write somewhere on the notepad of your mind, the gist of all the comments and advice you are showered with during your journey-

“Live life as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever!”